Leadership

I want to share a personal story to explain why I do what I do.

It’s a tale of two leaders and the impact they had on me. It’s at the heart of my brain friendly leadership philosophy. It’s why I believe trust is the foundation of successful relationships and why I believe the best way to create high performance is through human centred approaches.

My best and worst experiences of work were at the same place: a start up then scale up tech company.

What made the difference was leadership.

In the early days of my leadership career I ‘project managed’ my direct reports: with lists, work plans, objectives and performance measures. The time we spent together was to check off where they were against where I expected them to be.

The questions I asked were:

• Where are you with X?
• Tell me about Y?
• What blockers can I remove, to help make things happen faster?

I ran a tight ship. I had an efficient team and we got things done.

Then I got a new boss.

We met fortnightly for a KIT [Keep In Touch meeting]. Our conversation were different and revolved around three questions:

1. What went well?

2. What went not so well?

3. What would you do differently next time?

What went well?

I liked this question. In those first conversations I had with my new boss, I wanted him to see: what I’d achieved; how many boxes my team had ticked; how far we had moved things along the Gantt chart; that I was in control; and I was a safe pair of hands. I wanted to spend as much time here as possible, but this was only a small part of the conversation.

What went not so well?

This was difficult initially, it felt like I was being asked to commit career suicide. I was careful about what I chose to share.

In those early days my new boss was very patient.

What would you do differently next time?

At first I didn’t understand the question. The time had gone, there was no possibility of a do over, so why were we wasting time on something we couldn’t change.

At first I thought these meetings were weird, I’d bring my lists and charts, ready to share details and they would be gently put to one side. The focus steered back to the same 3 questions.

Then a penny began to drop.

I realized it didn’t matter what I said, my boss would always listen without judgment. The more I trusted him, the more I opened up. My boss helped me learn about myself. I started to learn what my strengths were and what I could do well. Looking back across my career I realise I struggled to see what I do as good enough.

These three questions helped me recognize where my successes were. My boss would often suggest the successes I had missed, which helped reduce my blind spots; and further expand my self-awareness and confidence.

When I began to be more open about what went not so well, I let go of any shame connected to my mistakes. Instead of hiding them or ‘controlling the story’, I learned how to use all mistakes as fuel for growth and learning. I got comfortable with honesty. Everything is data; everything is an opportunity for learning.

In the question, ‘what will I do differently next time?’ I got to the point where it didn’t matter what was happening, I could always step back and reflect and think, well, OK, so plan A, Plan B and Plan C aren’t working; what can I do?

I started to feel like I had a lot of agency and a lot of skill. I grew in confidence and competence. I progressed rapidly through the organization; and became a high performer.

With each promotion my boss or team changed; but my self-leadership and leadership of others was grounded in the practices I had learnt.

The way I led others changed. I no longer kept lists of what other people needed to do. I stopped project managing; I didn’t need to be the expert or have all the answers. Instead I asked questions and I listened. The people in my team became high performers; we won awards for our work; they got promoted; we took great pride in our work and had fun.

The organizational culture was one of learning; it encouraged asking questions; and we achieved results together. I loved where I worked.

I took a year out, I adopted a daughter and while I was away the organisation I worked for merged with another company. The organisational structure changed and I now had a new boss from the ‘other’ company.

I anticipated going back to work after extended leave would be difficult. Balancing work and being a parent was challenging and some mornings just getting into the office not covered in yogurt felt like a triumph. What I didn’t expect was how radically different the culture and values were between the original organisation I worked for and the company we had merged with.

A month into working with my new boss, something happened

She cornered me in Ladies loo and told me that the way I behaved in a meeting upset other people and that I needed to change my attitude. Then off she went.

This was really confusing for me because: I think the toilet is not an appropriate place for a ‘surprise’ performance conversation. I asked colleagues who’d been in the meeting what they thought and no one could help shed light on what she was referring to. In the past I was warned I might be too nice and I was now being told that I was ‘depressing’ people.

My new boss was not interested in my version of events and a seed of mistrust was sown.

This new boss would ask for my strategic opinion; the areas in question would be complex; and would need research and some reflection. But I’d never be given enough time to do the work properly. I started to feel that she wasn’t interested in my opinion at all. She was only asking me so she could say that she’d asked me; my thoughts didn’t matter. I went from leading strategy to being side-lined.

I went from feeling unstoppable; to feeling marginalized, misunderstood and confused.

My ideas started drying up

I struggled with my work

Everything this person did, I mistrusted and questioned.

I began to feel like an entirely different person. I started to wonder what was wrong with me; what had happened to me.

At the same time policies and practices changed. We went from a culture that allowed people to self-organise when and how they did their work, to being asked to enforce more control and remove flexibility. I did what I could to protect my team but the more control was enforced the less my team would give. They went from doing what it takes and pulling together, to petty squabbles.

A year after working under this new boss, my department was closed, my role was redundant; and people like me, from the ‘original’ organisation, were no longer required.

So what did I learn?

At the time my thoughts and feelings were cantered on my own narrative and experiences. I was hurt and disappointed. It’s only been in reflection, whilst I trained as a coach; learned conversational intelligence skills; and was introduced to the concepts within neuroscience [social pain; psychological safety; and threats and rewards on the brain] that I began to make sense of my experiences and fully understand what’s needed for effective leadership.

High performance doesn’t come from having a tight hand on the reigns. You create exceptional performance in others by being brain friendly; developing high trust relationships and a mindset of learning.